Lead Me Gently

Isa 40:11b “and [He] shall gently lead those that are with young.”

God, I’m so tired! I don’t know why!

I

What is wrong with my brain? Why can’t I find the joy I know you have?

Shall

I feel like I’m spiraling! I feel like a terrible mom!

Gently

I have so many tears!

Lead

Please make the children sleep! I can’t do another night with so little sleep!

Those

I’m begging You for help! I literally am unable to do this right now!

That

You promised to lead those with young gently. I’m not feeling the gentleness right now! I need more gentleness!

Are

You’re here. I sense Your presence beside me. I want You. I crave You.

With

Please give me Your peace. Please comfort my soul.

Young.

Please just hold me while I cry. Please make it all better and help me to remember that You do care. Thank you.

Gently: to lead, give rest, lead with care, guide to a watering place or station, cause to rest, bring to a station or place of rest, guide, refresh (Strong’s Concordance)

Rest sometimes looks different as a mama in the thick of raising little ones. And yet in the darkest of nights, when I’m up again for the tenth time and I’m exhausted and begging God to please somehow make it better, I feel Him come beside me, lift my weary arms, and strengthen me to keep going and give comfort to the children who call me mom, the children who call for me in the middle of the night like I call for God. And I am so thankful for His promise to give us rest and refreshment in the middle of the intensity.

My Little Helpers

Today, I was putting away laundry. Aaron was practicing reading with our 4 year old, and our 1 year old was taking a nap. Our 2, almost 3 year old, was hanging out with me in our room. She was getting a little bored and happened to notice that there was dust on the top of our headboard, so I told her that if she wanted to, she could clean it with a rag.

She immediately ran out to the kitchen, grabbed a rag, got it wet, and came back. She proceeded to thoroughly clean all the dust and cobwebs off of our headboard. Then she noticed that the fan in our room was dirty too. I took the front cover off and handed it to her. She scrubbed it clean. Then she scrubbed the blades.

After she had those two pieces clean, she saw that there was dirt on the back piece, but she couldn’t figure out how to get the dirt behind the blades. She asked me for help. I ended up taking the fan completely apart, and it is now scrubbed clean and white again! I was actually quite impressed at her cleaning abilities.

Later, I asked the girls to clean up the living room. They quickly worked together, and soon, both the living room and their bedroom/toy room were all cleaned up with very minimal supervision for me. Things were even put away correctly.

I had a sudden realization that I already have quite capable household assistants, and they haven’t even reached 5 years old! They can clean up the floor and vacuum. They can wash and dry loads of laundry. They can put away their clothes and hang up their jackets. They help bring in groceries and watch their little brother while playing outside. They can even warm up leftovers for their lunches! And I find myself wondering how and when they became so capable!

Our 2 year old will frequently ask me what she can clean and will go around scrubbing her little brother’s marks off the walls. Our 4 year old will notice when there are items that need to be taken to the recycle bin and will take them out without prompting. Even our 1 year old loves to help by pushing kitchen chairs back to their places and putting sippy cups and bibs away in the proper drawer.

They all love to be helpful and be included in whatever I’m doing. And I love that they have finally reached the age where they can do things on their own without constant strict supervision from me.

Toddlers and preschoolers may just be my favorite ages yet. 😍 I love the way they help, the way they play together, and the hilarious and the deep conversations we have.

I think sometimes there is a tendency to underestimate young children, but from my experience, they are smarter, more empathetic, and more helpful than we often think is possible. I find that when I take a minute to stop and make sure they know how to do something, they are often quite pleased to show me what they are capable of.

I so look forward to seeing them continue to grow and mature and take more initiative. We have three amazing little humans in our household, and I just wanted to share that with everyone. 😉

These are the moments that I want to remember. The memories I want to cherish on the days when things are not going as well as I wish they would. I want to remember that these children are the future, and they are good, helpful, and loving already. ❤️

Let the Children Come to Me

It’s Wednesday afternoon. That means it’s time to load up our three children and the little boy I babysit into their carseats and head off to church for an hour.

Every Wednesday afternoon from 2 to 3, you will find me and four children in the prayer room at our church. Why? Because we are taking what is called a “prayer watch.” We spend one hour playing worship music and spending time in the presence of God.

Sometimes we dance or spin in circles with the ribbon flags. Sometimes, the children “play” the keyboard and sing along with the songs. Sometimes, the girls draw pictures while I supervise the two one year old boys’ explorations of all the sound equipment. Every once in a while, I get to do about 2 minutes of sitting in quiet conversation with God. Most of the time, tho, I am worshipping Him as I chase down one toddler and settle a dispute over the crayons with another one.

Why do I do this? Why do I prioritize taking four children ages 4, 2, 1, and 1 to church to worship for one hour? Because it is important to me to cultivate a heart of worship in each of our children. I want them to have conversations with God as easily as they have them with me. I want to build their faith that their prayers make a difference. I want to set an example of prioritizing time in God’s presence, no matter what else is going on in our lives. I want them to see that no matter how seemingly inconvenient it might be to do this every Wednesday afternoon, it is still important enough to me that we do it. I want prayer and worship, singing and dancing, and listening to hear what God is saying to be a normal part of our children’s lives.

The other week, we found our 4 year old’s little purse that she has been missing for months! Her immediate response was to say, “Thank you. God! I love you!” and then she drew a picture for Him to show her gratitude.

Once the song “Make Room” by Casting Crowns was playing. One of the lines in the song says, “Is there room in your heart for God to write His story?” Our daughter turned to me and said, “Mom, I can see God writing His story.” She went on to list ways she sees God writing His story in her life.

I imagine that God smiles when He sees the children’s pure worship. It doesn’t bother His ears when the notes they play aren’t perfectly in tune with the song. He delights in the colors that they choose for their pictures. I can almost hear Him chuckle when He sees their portraits of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. He isn’t bothered that their worship sometimes looks like running in circles and giggling as they chase each other around the room. Their freedom in His presence is a delight. Their confident faith and sweet sensitivity to His voice is amazing.

Our children have so much delight in taking part in prayer watch that they ask if it’s time to go yet whenever they know it’s Wednesday.

It’s only one hour a week. Sometimes, it can seem like maybe I did nothing except try to calm the waves that are toddlerhood, and I wonder if God really cares about this one mother and the four tiny humans she brings. I sometimes feel guilty that my prayer watch is not as deeply reverent as some of the others that also hold prayer watches. I don’t get grand revelations or big breakthroughs, but still I go. And I do enjoy it.

No matter what chaos we bring into the room. No matter how frustrated I was trying to get everyone fed, changed, dressed, out the door, and loaded up to leave on time. No matter what. I walk into that room, crank the worship up, and I feel peace. I know that in His presence, there is rest. And it restores and energizes me. And by the time we leave, everyone is in a good mood and relaxed. That’s what the presence of God brings.

Little Blessings

We’ve been having a rough couple of weeks with our one child breaking her leg and having to be non-weight-bearing and another child battling a virus that makes her cough violently at random intervals. The coughing leads to less sleep for me as she wakes up multiple times a night and sometimes wakes up the other child in the room from her coughing and crying. And then today, Aaron got a surprise out of town work trip on the truck, so he’s gone till Saturday. And still there is good.

I have worked to cultivate my ability to seek positive in nearly every situation. To find something to be thankful for. And since it is Thanksgiving next week, it seemed appropriate to share my list of little blessings today.

1. I had about an hour notice that Aaron was leaving for 2.5 days. I was grateful to have canned ground beef and just enough tortillas to make a quick batch of flautas to pack in his lunch.

2. Two of the children simultaneously took hour+ naps today, which is a rarity these days, so I was able to have some uninterrupted time working on a writing project.

3. My great aunt and uncle stopped by for a quick visit, and it warmed my heart. My aunt also brought some delicious cookies and banana bread that we had for an afternoon snack.

4. The child who is sick willingly takes “medicine” (home remedies) and asks for it so I don’t have to expend energy to fight her about it.

5. I have nothing that won’t wait so I can spend hours every day holding children who just need a little extra snuggles.

6. I have pre-made espresso shots in the fridge so I can quickly make myself an iced Maple breve to help caffeinate my day.

7. We finally found a gym that will suit for the next pickleball tournament that we are hosting.

8. I can quickly fill the dishwasher and run a load so I don’t get dreadfully behind on dishes while mothering the sick and injured.

9. I live in such a modern time that I can simply pre-order the things on my grocery list, and they will be ready and waiting at the store when I go to pick them up. And someone will even load them into my vehicle for me! I might as well be a queen!

10. Most of all, I can feel Jesus’s presence very near me and sustaining me through this intense mothering season, and it feels good.

So there’s my list of 10 things I’m grateful for today. What’s on your list?

Prayer, Power, Harvest

How much would change in my life if I changed one small thing today, and continued that small thing every day?

Recently, several things in my life have seemed to be centered around the theme of the importance of small things. The sermon at church last Sunday. My current audiobook. Conversations with a friend. My own thoughts and recognition of how my life has been changing this year.

When I was a child, I had huge dreams of being a medical missionary pilot to a remote tribe somewhere deep in the mountains of some faraway country. I dreamed of flying patients out for medical treatment, serving them in a tangible way while learning their language and culture, and being able to preach the Gospel to them in that way. I worked on learning new languages. I devoured books like Lords of the Earth, Peace Child, Bruchko, The Wind Blows Wild, and Flying Canada. I even started pursuing medical training, starting with my first official first-aid training around age 11 or 12. I researched mission organizations trying to find the “perfect” one that I would like to go with in the future. But then life happened, and my dreams changed.

I got married and had a few children. And I had to battle. I had so many thoughts about what even was the point of my life now that I was a mom. Why did I even bother with all the training and classes and desires that apparently didn’t mean anything now? Did I do all those things just so I could have cool stories to tell our children? Maybe all those dreams I had were actually for our children to fulfill. I couldn’t see any possible way that those dreams would now become a reality now that my life was completely overtaken by raising small humans. Time and time again, I turned to God and said, “I will trust You. I will hold my dreams with an open hand, and will continue walking in what I know to be the right thing for right now.”

(Now, do NOT read into this that I regret having children or that I am a victim of motherhood. This is most certainly not true. But motherhood has brought further levels of surrender and trust that I needed. And it was good.)

And so I kept walking through life. Living life every day with the children. Doing small, seemingly insignificant, things every day. I couldn’t see a huge change. I even wondered at times if motherhood was even a calling. The act of mothering and raising small children has not been difficult for me for the most part, so I’ve wondered if I was doing something wrong.

Then I started wondering, how can I be an even better mother? How can I make sure that our children have the best foundation possible? How can I change myself so that I have endless patience, never feel stressed, and never feel like I have to get loud to be heard? And on Sunday, I was reminded of how. “Prayer, power, harvest” was a phrase that our pastor kept repeating. We have to start with prayer. After we’ve spent time in prayer, we are filled with the power of the Holy Spirit. And it is after that filling that we are able to be active in the harvest. As a mom, our children are part of that harvest. That is my calling right now. That is my “big thing”. How much would change, if I intentionally took time to spend focused time in prayer every day? A single prayer isn’t a big thing, but consistency in prayer can lead to big things. (I know, I know, for all of my readers who were brought up in the religious legality of having a set prayer time every day, this must seem scandalous that I don’t have that at this time. It’s been part of deconstruction for me, and I’m still figuring it out.)

Yesterday, I was working on a book that I am writing with and for some friends, and I realized that I can wait til I have all the things done and have a nice chunk of time set aside for working on the project. Or I can keep my computer and headphones accessible and visible and do 10 min here or 30 min there. If I can do that, I’ll have a few hours logged at the end of every week, and the project will continue moving along. Once again it’s one of those “small things”.

My current audiobook is The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson. In it, Jeff talks repeatedly about how big breakthroughs are actually a culmination of many small decisions and steps that led up to that point. Edison didn’t invent a working lightbulb in one day. It took 100s of tries. NASA didn’t decide one morning to suddenly send a man to the moon. There were years of inventions, trials, and computations more than we can imagine. These small things, these small decisions that we make every day may seem completely insignificant, but if we keep after them, they will change our lives. These things can work both positively and negatively. What small things are we allowing in our lives, and where will those small things take us in five years?

I have spent a significant amount of brain space on this topic this last week, and I’ve been pondering all the many small areas in my life where I could improve. While thinking of where I could improve, I’ve also started to recognize areas where I’ve taken small steps already and what that has led to in my current status.

Always saying yes to what I believe God wants me to do has given me a husband, three children, and an amazing life that I could never have dreamed of on my own.

Becoming more disciplined in writing has led to the completion of my first book and the opportunity to help someone else write theirs.

Reading books nearly every day to our children has led to our 4-year-old begging to learn how to read.

Being more intentional about drinking more liquids every day has led to fewer headaches from dehydration and an increased awareness of when I need water.

Choosing to fill my working hours with audiobooks instead of TV shows has led to the completion of 76 books this year and an expanded awareness of various things in our world.

So many of these things would be just as easy to not do. They don’t take that much effort in the moment, and there are no immediate bad consequences if you don’t do them. However, I can see the effects when I choose to do them, so I will continue to do so. I am also looking for more small ways to improve. And honestly, small things seem much more doable in this season of life. I don’t have the energy to tackle a huge undertaking right now.

What small ways are you improving your life?