Little Blessings

We’ve been having a rough couple of weeks with our one child breaking her leg and having to be non-weight-bearing and another child battling a virus that makes her cough violently at random intervals. The coughing leads to less sleep for me as she wakes up multiple times a night and sometimes wakes up the other child in the room from her coughing and crying. And then today, Aaron got a surprise out of town work trip on the truck, so he’s gone till Saturday. And still there is good.

I have worked to cultivate my ability to seek positive in nearly every situation. To find something to be thankful for. And since it is Thanksgiving next week, it seemed appropriate to share my list of little blessings today.

1. I had about an hour notice that Aaron was leaving for 2.5 days. I was grateful to have canned ground beef and just enough tortillas to make a quick batch of flautas to pack in his lunch.

2. Two of the children simultaneously took hour+ naps today, which is a rarity these days, so I was able to have some uninterrupted time working on a writing project.

3. My great aunt and uncle stopped by for a quick visit, and it warmed my heart. My aunt also brought some delicious cookies and banana bread that we had for an afternoon snack.

4. The child who is sick willingly takes “medicine” (home remedies) and asks for it so I don’t have to expend energy to fight her about it.

5. I have nothing that won’t wait so I can spend hours every day holding children who just need a little extra snuggles.

6. I have pre-made espresso shots in the fridge so I can quickly make myself an iced Maple breve to help caffeinate my day.

7. We finally found a gym that will suit for the next pickleball tournament that we are hosting.

8. I can quickly fill the dishwasher and run a load so I don’t get dreadfully behind on dishes while mothering the sick and injured.

9. I live in such a modern time that I can simply pre-order the things on my grocery list, and they will be ready and waiting at the store when I go to pick them up. And someone will even load them into my vehicle for me! I might as well be a queen!

10. Most of all, I can feel Jesus’s presence very near me and sustaining me through this intense mothering season, and it feels good.

So there’s my list of 10 things I’m grateful for today. What’s on your list?

Questioning Memories

I have so many questions. A lot of them are from my past healing journey. What does one do with all the questions?

Why did that couple move me into their house against advice from other couples? Why can I not remember hardly anything from being at their house? Did I really leave their house in the middle of the night and send evil spirits to them in their room? Was I really such a lazy, undisciplined person who did not know how to clean properly? Was my drama really the reason that they failed to notice the changes in their child indicative of sexual assault? Was I such an awful person that they now refuse to acknowledge me in any way, shape, or form?

Why did my friend find it acceptable to send me sexually explicit pictures and messages even after I said no and reported it to the police? Why did my friend never want me around in person because I was “too pure” to witness the effects of addiction?

Why do my memories consist of either remembering every single detail down to how someone’s skin felt or a completely blank black hole where I can not tell, despite hard evidence and witnesses, if I was even present at the time? (I’m sure that psychologist I saw once would tell me it’s just part of having Borderline Personality Disorder.)

These are just some of the questions that I find myself pondering on occasion when I don’t have much else to think about. Just kidding. 😄 but I do find myself thinking about them sometimes. And I wonder if I will ever know or if I should ever voice them. Maybe they don’t actually matter.

I have made peace with the fact that I may never know the answers to so many of my questions. I know I can find and have found healing in spite of not knowing or remembering. When you release the control of needing to know, it releases healing into those places. The questions may never leave, but they don’t control my life.

And then the other day, I came across a little something I wrote back in 2012 while I was in some of the seasons mentioned above. It seems a fitting ending to this post now.

Questions and Silence
June 2012

“God, why???”
silence
“I don’t get it!!”
silence
“I am so sick of everything!!”
… silence
“Don’t you even care??”
one hand comes up to rub my back
“Can’t You just make everything better already?”
silence
Question after question
being screamed into my Father God’s chest.
He just holds me
Tight
And lets me yell…
Screaming…
Crying…
Tears…
Questions…
Yes, even furious pounding…
Thru it all, He just quietly sits there.
He’s big enough to handle it.
Finally…
When all my emotion is spent,
and I am completely exhausted,
I collapse against Him.
Yes, He never let me go
even thru all that.
He holds me close
Tight to his chest
And lets me cry.
Why?
I don’t know.
I still don’t understand,
But
Somehow
it’s okay now.
My Papa has me.
He’s holding me.
He’ll never let me go.
I don’t scare Him.
Finally, He speaks,
Four words…
“Child, I love you.”
All I have to do is sit there.
As I sit in His lap,
I feel His love flowing over me.
It overwhelms me.
And somehow
heals the hurt in my heart.
He doesn’t answer all my questions
exactly as I wish He would,
but He gives me peace
and for now,
that’s enough.
He’s holding me
I have peace
in the midst
of turmoil and questions.
I love Him.
He loves me.
Everything is okay…
My Papa is in control

So, if you find yourself with unanswered questions about your past. It’s OK. They don’t threaten God. Throw them at Him. He’s big enough to handle the questions and the emotions. Release the need to know and see what good releases in your life.