I have so many questions. A lot of them are from my past healing journey. What does one do with all the questions?
Why did that couple move me into their house against advice from other couples? Why can I not remember hardly anything from being at their house? Did I really leave their house in the middle of the night and send evil spirits to them in their room? Was I really such a lazy, undisciplined person who did not know how to clean properly? Was my drama really the reason that they failed to notice the changes in their child indicative of sexual assault? Was I such an awful person that they now refuse to acknowledge me in any way, shape, or form?
Why did my friend find it acceptable to send me sexually explicit pictures and messages even after I said no and reported it to the police? Why did my friend never want me around in person because I was “too pure” to witness the effects of addiction?
Why do my memories consist of either remembering every single detail down to how someone’s skin felt or a completely blank black hole where I can not tell, despite hard evidence and witnesses, if I was even present at the time? (I’m sure that psychologist I saw once would tell me it’s just part of having Borderline Personality Disorder.)
These are just some of the questions that I find myself pondering on occasion when I don’t have much else to think about. Just kidding. 😄 but I do find myself thinking about them sometimes. And I wonder if I will ever know or if I should ever voice them. Maybe they don’t actually matter.
I have made peace with the fact that I may never know the answers to so many of my questions. I know I can find and have found healing in spite of not knowing or remembering. When you release the control of needing to know, it releases healing into those places. The questions may never leave, but they don’t control my life.
And then the other day, I came across a little something I wrote back in 2012 while I was in some of the seasons mentioned above. It seems a fitting ending to this post now.
Questions and Silence
June 2012
“God, why???”
silence
“I don’t get it!!”
silence
“I am so sick of everything!!”
… silence
“Don’t you even care??”
one hand comes up to rub my back
“Can’t You just make everything better already?”
silence
Question after question
being screamed into my Father God’s chest.
He just holds me
Tight
And lets me yell…
Screaming…
Crying…
Tears…
Questions…
Yes, even furious pounding…
Thru it all, He just quietly sits there.
He’s big enough to handle it.
Finally…
When all my emotion is spent,
and I am completely exhausted,
I collapse against Him.
Yes, He never let me go
even thru all that.
He holds me close
Tight to his chest
And lets me cry.
Why?
I don’t know.
I still don’t understand,
But
Somehow
it’s okay now.
My Papa has me.
He’s holding me.
He’ll never let me go.
I don’t scare Him.
Finally, He speaks,
Four words…
“Child, I love you.”
All I have to do is sit there.
As I sit in His lap,
I feel His love flowing over me.
It overwhelms me.
And somehow
heals the hurt in my heart.
He doesn’t answer all my questions
exactly as I wish He would,
but He gives me peace
and for now,
that’s enough.
He’s holding me
I have peace
in the midst
of turmoil and questions.
I love Him.
He loves me.
Everything is okay…
My Papa is in control
So, if you find yourself with unanswered questions about your past. It’s OK. They don’t threaten God. Throw them at Him. He’s big enough to handle the questions and the emotions. Release the need to know and see what good releases in your life.
Adventurer with God 