Tonight I’m going to be super real in this post. I’m going to say things that not everyone will be comfortable hearing. Things about anxiety, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder (BPD), all of which I was diagnosed with about four years ago. This is your warning.
Ok. Here goes…
To start with, I’m better. I’m better than I used to be. It’s now been almost 2.5 years since I last considered suicide an option. It’s been 8 months since my last severe anxiety attack that actually got me sent home from work. I no longer have constant static in my head. I no longer lose control of my body and mind. I no longer suffer extreme lapses in my memory. I no longer feel the need for self harm. Most of all I have experienced raw pure joy, which is my most favorite thing of all.
I’ve learned a LOT and taught myself many things. I’ve learned to control my anxiety attacks for the most part. I’ve learned to reach out to people I trust when I’m not in a good place. I’ve learned to control my reactions when someone does something that makes me jump. I’ve learned to enjoy life again. I’ve learned that not all people of the male gender are evil. In fact it has been my experience that the majority are good.
There are still “some days”.
Somedays I go to work with a knot in my stomach because I am anxious.
Somedays I have to restrain myself from hitting my partner who simply reached across me to help me with my chart.
Somedays (like today) I lay awake for hours because I had nightmares and it takes awhile to calm myself down.
Somedays I walk out of social situations, like church and Bible study, because I can’t handle being surrounded by people.
Somedays I hold back from begging people for a hug when all I want is to be held somewhere I know I’m safe.
But on somedays, all anxiety leaves for a few hours and I’m able to do things like dance at a friend’s wedding and it’s amazing!
Most of my good friends are able to recognize by now when I’m feeling overwhelmed and will step in and help me get some space if I’m not able to do it myself. For that I am thankful.
So even tho tomorrow I may begin to panic if I see my ex-boyfriend’s vehicle or someone who looks like my stalker. Even tho I may jump to defense if someone reaches toward my face or I will need to find the nearest exit. I celebrate the good days that are becoming more frequent and the bad days that are becoming less.
Tonight I choose to celebrate how far I’ve come. I choose to celebrate the amazing work God is doing in my life. I choose to celebrate the amazing life I have been blessed with. I choose to embrace the stubborn hope in better days that insists on filling my spirit even in the darkest days.
Even when I’m feeling overwhelmed with anxiety I know that I will make it thru. Not in my own power, but with God and friends.
So just remember, even tho you may have “some days” in your life, CHOOSE LIFE! It does get better!
Thank you and goodnight.